God Speaks To Me.....

Does God ever speak to you?? I never used to think that he spoke to me, but as I got older, I realized that even though I don't hear his voice, He does speak to me, a lot actually. He speaks to me through my own heart by compelling me to do things for others.  He speaks to me through my conscience to show me the right way, and to teach me to live the way He wants me to. My biggest regret is that I don't always listen, because sometimes I second guess myself. You see, Satan can also speak to me and compel me to do things and sometimes it can be confusing because it isn't always obvious.

About a year ago, I was in the bank depositing some money. I decided to keep $100 in my wallet because I needed gas and was running a few other small errands. As I was waiting in line, I overheard a guy talking to the customer service employee about his ATM transaction and some problem that he was having. He said that he was try to deposit $10 and something hadn't worked out. I thought to myself, "do people really deposit $10??" Don't get me wrong, there are times where I only have $10 to my name, but I don't know if I would make the effort to go take such a small amount to the bank. When you have two kids in the car, even running to the ATM seems like a huge task! Anyway, as I stood there, all of a sudden I heard "GIVE HIM $100". It was in my own voice, so it was more like a thought, except I felt overwhelmingly compelled to open my wallet to this total stranger.

I instantly thought "yeah right!!I'm not giving away $100! $20, maybe, $10 absolutely, but not $100!" I questioned if the thought was coming from God, or if it was just myself feeling bad for the guy. So I lingered around second guessing myself.  I finished my transaction and walked toward the door. I took the money out and decided "Ok, I'll do it". I thought about what the heck I was going to say to this guy.  Would he think I was crazy if I walked up to him and said "Here, I`m supposed to give you this". What if he didn't take it? I decided to just wing it and see what happened. I looked up, and he was gone.

For the next few days, I completely dwelled on it. I felt like I had let God down by not just trusting him and obeying Him. I thought of all of the reasons he may have needed that money. Even now a year later, I wish I would have just given it to him, without hesitation.

So today, I had a craving for fried rice from the Chinese Garden. Danny went to stay at his brother's in Galt, so I decided to call in and order the rice for dinner and pick it up while I was running errands in town. The rice smelled sooo yummy, I couldn't wait to eat it. I stopped at the bank to deposit a check in the ATM. I was getting back in the car when I saw the door to the wall that surrounds the dumpster swing open. A little old lady walked out. She was homeless. She proceeded to pull her cart and all of her blankets out and sat on the curb. That's when I heard "the voice" again. I thought, "NOOOO! Not my fried rice!" I wished I had cash to give her, but I didn't. I tugged back and forth with myself and even stooped as low as to think "Well, she wont be able to eat it because she wont have a fork!" At that moment I opened my glove box and NO JOKE, a spork fell out!  So I gave up and said to myself "Damn it!! ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! But I am keeping my fortune cookies!"  I thought of the guy and the $100 and decided I better not second guess God or I will be thinking about it for another year.

I walked over to the lady and asked her if she was hungry. She said she was so I handed her my paper bag. She said "thank you" as I walked away. I got in the car and before I even left the parking lot, she was already enjoying my dinner. When I got to the stop light, I took out my fortune cookie and it read "Be Generous, and the favor will be returned."  God spoke to me by compelling me to give the woman something to eat, then gave me the confirmation I needed through my fortune.   Some people may think it was a coincidence, but is it odd that my other three fortune cookies had no fortunes in them at all?

 Leftover Mexican food for dinner it is!

Goodnight!

Her last days of life...

    I have had the pleasure of being a volunteer for Sutter North Hospice for going on 8 years now.  For those who may not know, hospice is a service that patients and their families can receive if they have a terminal illness and have been given a prognosis of 6 months or less to live.  Volunteers have a wide spectrum of duties that vary to meet the needs of their assigned patient. Sometimes you may have to visit a patient in a nursing home to read them a book, or play cards; other times, you may visit in the home and stay with the patient to allow the caregiver to go out and have a break.

   In the past 7 years, I have had many different experiences, each of which has touched my life in it's own unique way. For example, when I was 23, I had a patient who was the same age as me with the same name. She had fought a brain tumor since she was a toddler and when she found out it had come back yet again, she decided to forgo treatment. The last time I saw her, she wandered the house aimlessly and nervously with her purse over her shoulder. "Amy, where are you going?" I said as I followed her every step she took; she was weak from having not eaten in days, and her mind was going. She said "I don't know where I am going, but I have to go somewhere." She sat by the door looking out the window.  She died that night.

When I was pregnant with Rylee, I was assigned a patient who was a 27 year old. She had found out she had breast cancer when she was pregnant with her daughter. She had to decide whether she wanted treatment which would harm the baby, or wait until after the pregnancy. She decided to wait. By the time she had the baby, it had already spread. She was able to fight it off to enjoy 2 years of her daughter's life.  She hadn't been out of the house in months, so I loaded up her wheel chair and we went to the mall so she could buy some new clothes. She had just recently married her fiance at the courthouse. She wore a simple gold band.  I took her into every jewelry store in the mall and we tried on the biggest diamonds we could find.  She bought some new clothes. We giggled as she teased me for being a bad driver (crashing her wheelchair into all of the clothes racks), and concluded our day with some brownie bites from Starbucks. She ate one bite and lost her appetite. Her only wish was that when she died she could have her husband's last name. I took her to the Social Security office and we waited for 2 hours to file the paperwork, she slept almost the whole time, but she left with a new last name. That was the last time I saw her. She was able to spend Thanksgiving with her entire family before she passed.  Pregnant with my own daughter, I couldn't help but wonder if I would have made the same choice...I think I would. 

When I was single, I was able to devote a  lot more time to this organization. Now, with 2 kids and a husband (who acts like one, bahahaha) I have a hard time finding the time to brush my hair!
A few months ago, I told the hospice team that although I can't devote as much time to patients as I would like to, I would still like to stay on as a volunteer and offered to take photos for families if they wanted them.

A couple of days ago, I was asked to go to a patient in Marysville.  I didn't know anything about the patient except that she was 15 months old.  Another member of the team had to meet me because the family only spoke Spanish. I walked in the door to see the father sitting on the sofa holding a limp little girl while the mother washed her hands in a bucket, they had gotten sticky, she said. I looked at the girl.  She looked like she was asleep, breathing through her mouth. Her breaths rumbled as though perhaps she had fluid in her lungs. My stomach sank to my feet and my heart broke all at the same time.  She was not much smaller than Rylee.  She was unable to move or sit.  I set up my bean bag and we proceeded to pose her for some pictures. Eventually her brother (7) and sister (8) joined in.  The session was surprisingly joyous. The brother and sister talked to their sick baby sister in high pitch baby talk, they kissed her cheeks, and giggled. When the session was over and the mother went to pick up her child from the bean bag, the baby grunted angrily at her and we all laughed. She was too comfy. Naturally, I let them keep the bean bag.

As I got in my car, it took me a minute to let the experience soak in.  Here was a family, more specifically a mother who's precious baby girl will die any day. I wondered why I am so lucky to have two healthy girls of my own. I wondered if the siblings are old enough to really remember their sister years down the road.  I said a prayer to give the family strength with what they are about to experience, and prayed I would never have to experience it myself.  I wondered if I would want photos of my own child in this state, or would it be too painful of a reminder?


Hospice is a strangely rewarding thing. The people I serve are going to die....soon.  But I have seen what the caregivers have to deal with in these situations and I can't imagine being in their shoes. I am happy to oblige to take ANY amount of stress off of their shoulders, whether it is picking something up at the grocery store or just sitting with their family member so that they can get a minute to themselves. Their gratitude for me just being there makes me happy. 

I got an email yesterday that the baby girl had passed away. 

Hug your babies!