I have had the pleasure of being a volunteer for Sutter North Hospice for going on 8 years now. For those who may not know, hospice is a service that patients and their families can receive if they have a terminal illness and have been given a prognosis of 6 months or less to live. Volunteers have a wide spectrum of duties that vary to meet the needs of their assigned patient. Sometimes you may have to visit a patient in a nursing home to read them a book, or play cards; other times, you may visit in the home and stay with the patient to allow the caregiver to go out and have a break.
In the past 7 years, I have had many different experiences, each of which has touched my life in it's own unique way. For example, when I was 23, I had a patient who was the same age as me with the same name. She had fought a brain tumor since she was a toddler and when she found out it had come back yet again, she decided to forgo treatment. The last time I saw her, she wandered the house aimlessly and nervously with her purse over her shoulder. "Amy, where are you going?" I said as I followed her every step she took; she was weak from having not eaten in days, and her mind was going. She said "I don't know where I am going, but I have to go somewhere." She sat by the door looking out the window. She died that night.
When I was pregnant with Rylee, I was assigned a patient who was a 27 year old. She had found out she had breast cancer when she was pregnant with her daughter. She had to decide whether she wanted treatment which would harm the baby, or wait until after the pregnancy. She decided to wait. By the time she had the baby, it had already spread. She was able to fight it off to enjoy 2 years of her daughter's life. She hadn't been out of the house in months, so I loaded up her wheel chair and we went to the mall so she could buy some new clothes. She had just recently married her fiance at the courthouse. She wore a simple gold band. I took her into every jewelry store in the mall and we tried on the biggest diamonds we could find. She bought some new clothes. We giggled as she teased me for being a bad driver (crashing her wheelchair into all of the clothes racks), and concluded our day with some brownie bites from Starbucks. She ate one bite and lost her appetite. Her only wish was that when she died she could have her husband's last name. I took her to the Social Security office and we waited for 2 hours to file the paperwork, she slept almost the whole time, but she left with a new last name. That was the last time I saw her. She was able to spend Thanksgiving with her entire family before she passed. Pregnant with my own daughter, I couldn't help but wonder if I would have made the same choice...I think I would.
When I was single, I was able to devote a lot more time to this organization. Now, with 2 kids and a husband (who acts like one, bahahaha) I have a hard time finding the time to brush my hair!
A few months ago, I told the hospice team that although I can't devote as much time to patients as I would like to, I would still like to stay on as a volunteer and offered to take photos for families if they wanted them.
A couple of days ago, I was asked to go to a patient in Marysville. I didn't know anything about the patient except that she was 15 months old. Another member of the team had to meet me because the family only spoke Spanish. I walked in the door to see the father sitting on the sofa holding a limp little girl while the mother washed her hands in a bucket, they had gotten sticky, she said. I looked at the girl. She looked like she was asleep, breathing through her mouth. Her breaths rumbled as though perhaps she had fluid in her lungs. My stomach sank to my feet and my heart broke all at the same time. She was not much smaller than Rylee. She was unable to move or sit. I set up my bean bag and we proceeded to pose her for some pictures. Eventually her brother (7) and sister (8) joined in. The session was surprisingly joyous. The brother and sister talked to their sick baby sister in high pitch baby talk, they kissed her cheeks, and giggled. When the session was over and the mother went to pick up her child from the bean bag, the baby grunted angrily at her and we all laughed. She was too comfy. Naturally, I let them keep the bean bag.
As I got in my car, it took me a minute to let the experience soak in. Here was a family, more specifically a mother who's precious baby girl will die any day. I wondered why I am so lucky to have two healthy girls of my own. I wondered if the siblings are old enough to really remember their sister years down the road. I said a prayer to give the family strength with what they are about to experience, and prayed I would never have to experience it myself. I wondered if I would want photos of my own child in this state, or would it be too painful of a reminder?
Hospice is a strangely rewarding thing. The people I serve are going to die....soon. But I have seen what the caregivers have to deal with in these situations and I can't imagine being in their shoes. I am happy to oblige to take ANY amount of stress off of their shoulders, whether it is picking something up at the grocery store or just sitting with their family member so that they can get a minute to themselves. Their gratitude for me just being there makes me happy.
I got an email yesterday that the baby girl had passed away.
Hug your babies!
